


Into the Depths

by cadkitten



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Anal Sex, Angst, Bloodplay, Bondage, Character Death, Cumshot, Cutting, Dom/sub, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Fetish, Fluff, Gen, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masochism, Masturbation, Multi, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Other, Rape, Rape Role-play, Sadism, Self-Harm, Suicide, Torture, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2017-11-18 20:23:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 86
Words: 17,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various short works, each chapter a different story. Some poems, some lyrics, and some short fiction works.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aching to be your bitch

Bind me  
Hold me  
Take me to a higher level  
Make me feel the pain  
Translate it to pleasure  
Make me bleed  
Make me feel  
Make me alive again  
Take my soul  
Take my heart  
Take my body  
Take me as you please  
Just, please  
Make me feel that pain  
The sweet, sweet enduring pain  
That makes me so alive again

You push me to my knees  
You tell me to take it  
Tell me to do as you say  
That I will not defy  
What you call punishment,  
I call divine  
What you call wrong,  
I call bliss  
And most of all,  
What you deny,  
I can tell it's all a lie  
For deep within your soul,  
Deep within your eyes,  
I can see the truth  
Behind the bitter,  
Behind the anger,  
Behind the mask  
You've so firmly placed  
I can see...

I make your heart ache  
I pull those tender strings  
Each time my lips caress you  
Each time my sweet body envelops you  
Each time I do as you say,  
You fall a little deeper into me  
Each time you whisper my name,  
Each time you take what I give.  
You're pulled a little closer to me  
Each time we let the pain  
Each time we let the pleasure  
Surround us to complete  
Your heart belongs a little more to me  
And I, a little more to you  
With completion, comes complete  
With our actions, comes our love  
Here, wrapped in your warmth,  
Is the happiest I shall ever be


	2. Bound for Eternity

Within a world of sweetest dreams and deepest desires  
You wait for me  
Every moment spent within reach  
Is a single moment of happiness within your heart  
Silently, you reach out for me  
I become your single hope in a world of darkness and pain  
Your anchor in each time of need  
I keep you within this existence  
I shelter you from your fears  
I care for you unconditionally  
Never expecting a single thing in return,  
I hand you every ounce of my strength  
I show you the real me  
And you place your trust in me  
Every moment that passes  
Pushes you closer to me  
Pulls you deeper into my heart  
I will never let you go  
I will never let you fall  
My arms will always catch you  
My heart will always hold you  
I cannot be everything you need  
I cannot be by your side, as I so desire  
But I can give you this  
I bind us with my promises  
I stretch a single thread across the distance  
Into timelessness I will never break  
My solemn promise  
To be there for you


	3. Breaking Point

Too much drama  
Too many thoughts  
Swirling and consuming  
Eating me up inside  
Slowly this web I've weaved  
This world I've built  
Crumbles down around my head  
Everything once so perfect  
Now nothing but ashes and ruins  
How many more times  
Must I endure this?  
How much longer  
Can I keep this up?  
I cherish each moment  
Every sweet memory you provide me  
But slowly you kill me inside  
All of this crushes me to pieces  
Like the walls of my perfect story  
I crumble and fall  
Deep within me  
All that's left is darkness and fear  
I cried my last tear  
I fought my last futile battle  
I remain nothing but a mere shell  
My heart has fallen to ashes  
My mind has been ripped to shreds  
Only one question presents itself  
No matter how hard I try  
Why do I always fail?  
I cannot keep you happy  
I cannot keep your hands from providing pain  
I cannot provide my own future  
I cannot even provide the words  
To tell you how I feel  
Inside I break  
Quietly I slide away  
My own pain and depression  
Consuming what you've left me of my soul  
Finally the tears come  
Blinding me as I try to fight them  
Bitterness follows fast  
And then it's all gone  
Released in a single drop  
I can do nothing but remain  
Trembling inside this shell  
I want to be something  
I want to be someone  
But I find myself on the bottom  
Nothing but the scrapings on the floor  
I can blame no one but myself  
I caused this, this utter failure  
I feel lost, helpless  
If will alone could heal all wounds  
I would not be in this mess  
But desire, will, can do nothing  
I am destined to walk the bitter path  
The path I desperately try to escape  
No matter how hard I try  
I fall  
No matter how long I take  
I fail  
No matter what I do  
It is nothing but wrong  
I want to feel special again  
I want to feel smart again  
I want nothing but to not feel  
Like the total loser I've become  
You helped shatter my mind  
This flows forth  
And you remain  
Ignorant of what you've caused  
I want the pain to end  
I want to find a time  
Where I'm not at the bottom  
Clawing helplessly at the glass walls  
I want to find my place  
A place where bitter tears do not flow  
A place where emotional pain cannot exist  
I just want a place to be  
Happy and not so utterly alone  
Make it stop  
Take it away  
Someone care  
It is all I ask  
It is all I silently beg for  
Yet silence is my friend  
Darkness is my blanket  
Bitterness and hatred are my release  
I am what I am because of this  
Because I'm holding all in again  
Old habits remain  
Harder to break than I'd ever imagined  
I didn't even know it  
Didn't even realize it  
While I desperately tried to help you not to break  
I broke myself  
Ripped to shreds  
Crushed to dust  
Silent and alone


	4. Days like today...

It's days like today that make me die a little bit inside. You try to help a friend repeatedly, over and over again. And all you get for the efforts is some asshole to fuck it all up and push them just a little too far, breaking everything you so carefully built to support them.

Days like today slowly break a person in two, pull the soul to its furthest limits. Crushing blows, caught between helping and falling apart yourself. Emotionally unstable, both you and the one you so desperately try to help. Nothing works anymore... pointless, but yet you continue to try. Tape up the holes and push toward a better future, toward hope and the existence of something other than this hell.

But inside you know it's all for not, one day you simply will not be enough and they will succeed. They tell you that you mean the world to them, that they trust only you. And then they do the one thing you ask them not to, over and over.

Created pain, tugging at the edges of their life. Drugs and alcohol pushing the limits of their frail emotion, forcing that pain of old deeper and deeper. Cutting the lifeline in every way possible, but never quite succeeding. Life pulling them back from the brink so many times it becomes uncountable. So many times, that the tears of old refuse to fall. Shock sets in and nothing comes, only an empty cold void where the emotion should have been. That growing knot deep within you, crushing you with it's volume and catching your breath as you breathe it. You feel something akin to pain and self-pity as you can almost see their broken form before you. Thrown before a train, pushed by none other than themselves.

What can possibly be said? What more can possibly be done? You try so hard and fail so fast. The effort you put forth, nothing but a waste as those who do not care stomp on it as one would the embers of a fire. But how could they know just what they cause at night? How could one person possibly know that they almost created the end of another person with their words? If only they knew... If only you could shut them all away, protect the one you care so deeply for. To keep that one from the harsh cruel reality of the world... What would you not give for that power? Would you give an arm, a leg, a piece of your heart or soul? Would you give up the better moments of your past just to give those memories to that one person? Most would not... but the only question that really matters is... would I?

Authors Note - forgive this... I had to let it out... the pain threatens to swallow me whole and as I write this authors note, the tears finally threaten to spill. Finally the pain fully sets it and the emotion I so desperately needed returns once again.


	5. Death of the Used

Empty  
Devoid  
Cracked & Broken  
You Have Left Me  
Battered & Beaten  
My Soul Is Gone  
My Spirit Dead  
The Light That Once  
Shone In My Eyes  
You Took It Away  
Your Endless Need  
Your Infinite Lust  
Have Drained Me  
Taken Far Too Much  
You Left Behind  
Shattered Fragments  
Of Whom I Used To Be  
Used & Abused  
Battered & Beaten  
All That Is Left  
Is Death  
The Coldness Grips Me  
The Darkness Consumes Me  
And For That  
I Am Thankful


	6. Demon Inside

Blinded, Screaming  
You throw it my face  
The one inside me,  
Taunts me  
Turning fear into self-loathing  
Turning uncertainty into absolute  
You tell me I am not but a failure  
You convince me that I'll never get any better  
Cussing, Crying  
I beg you to leave me alone  
To stop telling me that I can't  
But you ignore me  
Continue your incessant taunting  
I feel like you've captured me  
In your net of lies  
Yet there are days when  
You feed me that false hope  
Tell me that for once I have not failed  
And then all is proven  
Yours is the truth  
Mine is the lie  
I fail yet again  
All hope is lost and I am left  
Drowning in a sea of uncertainty  
Slowly you crumble me, all of my hopes and dreams  
You are the one within me  
Always there, never leaving  
Always taunting, never helping  
Carefully you blind me  
Slowly I break  
An eternity of your voice  
You begin to take shape  
All around me  
You embody my every weakness, my every failure  
Never free, forever tormented  
The demon within me will never die  
Tormented by my past  
Fearing what the future holds  
Without you I could be  
Everything I ever wanted to be  
Forever with you  
Never free  
Alone in this world  
Tearing at the walls  
Pulling at the shackles  
Helpless to stop the pain  
Your torture will never cease  
You know the best  
Just how to break me down  
And leave me nothing  
Floating in a world of lies  
Nothing but a demon within me  
The one to bring me fear and pain  
Always suffering, never free...


	7. I'm not quite what you think I am

Dirty Thoughts  
Nasty Visions  
Clouding my view  
Filling my mind  
I feel it coursing  
Through my veins  
This lust  
This unclean desire  
Born from the direction  
Of my thoughts  
In the general view  
In the public eye  
I am sweet & innocent  
Pure & Untouched  
Funny how wrong they are  
How much I differ from their vision  
From what they expect  
Shocked expressions  
Disbelieving Looks  
These are what I get  
When they find out  
Who I really am  
What I really think  
None of it really matters  
None of it hurts  
Or genuinely affects me  
I am who I am  
Not who they want me to be  
I exist for myself  
Not to please them  
I turn and walk away  
A hint of a smile  
On my lips  
I've shocked them again  
Desperately they try  
To figure me out  
Amusement spreads  
Its warmth within me  
Blotting out  
For a moment  
The heat of my lust  
That light in my eyes  
For once  
Created by  
Someone other than myself  
Dirty thoughts  
Nasty Visions  
Clouding my view  
Filling my mind...


	8. My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Momo.

Born the runt  
Grew up the strongest  
Living a life granted  
By mortal hands  
Brought up from birth  
To be gentle and kind  
Used to the hand that fed me  
Growing to love my keeper, my mother  
Some days I'd hang upside down  
Like a little black bat  
But by far, my favorite place  
Was in my mother's lap  
I'd watch for hours  
Waiting only for the occasional break  
When the pen would be put down  
And I'd get all the attention  
Desiring to be held and loved  
She'd never forget me  
Always talk to me  
To her, my owner,  
I was far more than a pet  
I was her soft, furry child  
My coal black eyes beheld  
My own love for her  
Sparkling with delight  
Each time she opened the cage door  
Never fearing her hand  
Always trusting  
Forever I will remain  
In the memory and heart of  
The one I called mother


	9. Simply Listening

Your moans they drive me crazy  
Burn me up inside  
Your voice so low and sexy  
You try so hard to be quiet  
But I know you're close  
I know it must feel so good  
I can hear your breathing speed up  
Your soft little pants  
Your ecstasy invites me  
Begs me to listen closer  
To close my eyes and let myself go  
To let my hand go where it may  
Cum for me  
Let me hear you  
As you spill yourself  
As you complete that feeling of absolute pleasure  
You try to hide it  
You try to not be loud  
But still, I hear you  
I can't help it  
I feel my own arousal  
So intense  
There  
You're going to cum  
You need it  
So close  
If only...  
No  
This must be enough  
To simply hear you as you cum  
Your soft whimpers  
Arouse me more than you'll ever know  
God, the sound of your voice  
If only I weren't... simply listening


	10. Stockholm Syndrome

Bound & Gagged  
Scared & Afraid  
Lying in the dark  
Waiting on fate  
To take me away  
To hurl me into hell  
I can hear him  
His breath rasping in the dark  
Confusion sets in  
Why does he only stare?  
Why does he not use me?  
Panic & Trepidation  
Unable to move  
Shackled to the wall  
Open to his gaze  
And yet,  
All he does  
Is openly stare  
His blue eyes drowning me  
My breath catches in my throat  
There is why,  
Why he does not touch me  
Why he does not use me  
He uses himself  
His own hand  
Jerking stiffly  
Along his length  
His blue eyes  
Piercing my soul  
Why?  
This is the only  
Question that remains  
I'm Bound & Naked  
Tied & Spread  
And yet...  
All he does is stare  
Dos that make this  
Any less inhumane?  
Any less perverse?  
Does that somehow  
Make it all okay?  
He grunts  
And I can't help but watch  
As he completes himself  
Our roles somehow reversed  
Now it is I who watches  
And he who feels ashamed  
He turns away  
Fades back into the darkness  
Away from my prying eyes  
He leaves me there  
Aroused & Alone  
Bound & Unable  
To satisfy these urges  
I should feel ashamed  
Humiliated  
But I don't  
I only wish  
He'd come & release me  
Release me not from these bonds  
But from this feeling  
From this desire  
I don't understand  
These urges I cannot stop  
It would take  
Only a single touch  
And I would be complete  
Sated & Free  
But he does not come  
Nor will he  
This happens every night  
This exquisite pain  
This liquid heat that fills me  
I will never  
Truly be Free


	11. Struggling to Understand

Sitting on the edge  
Breaking slowly  
Releasing the tension  
With each drop of life  
Flowing from my veins  
Sweetly the razor cuts me  
Blinding euphoria pours over me  
I tremble at my own touch  
All the pain seeping from my body  
Mentally I am finally free  
All bonds untied  
All restraints broken  
I let my life slip to the brink  
Let the feeling of freedom consume me  
Only then do I stop it  
Refreshed and pure  
Yet cut and covered in blood  
This is the life I live  
Seeking purity  
Through the only release I know


	12. The Pain Inside

Nights like tonight  
The pain cuts deeper  
Than should ever be allowed  
Times like this  
My heart splits in two  
Tears stream unbidden  
Down my pale cheeks  
Never ceasing flow  
Causing my heart  
To rip apart  
The hardest times  
The deepest pain  
The ones you love  
Pushing the lines  
Verging on eternity  
Clinging to life's last strand  
So much that should never be  
One so young as he  
His life not theirs to take  
Yet again they try so hard  
Blood and pain  
They cut so deep  
And again his heart  
Ties so hard to fail him  
I beg him to cling to this life  
To never let go  
Of that last hope  
This pain so deep  
It is mine and it is his  
Distance becomes nothing  
And I am there  
By his side I stand  
Silently watching  
As his life drains away  
Helpless to stop it  
Utterly useless  
All I can do is hope  
Pray that the powers that be  
See it fit to keep him  
Just another day  
I feel so lost  
As though he's already gone  
Glistening drops of crystal  
Falling from green and blue  
Tears of more meaning  
Than most could ever fathom  
Fall unchecked around me  
I cry for him, for his pain  
Not a single tear for me  
Not a thought about  
What my loss would be  
Only of him  
How could life be so cruel  
Leading him down a path  
Shoving him mindlessly  
Into the gutter  
And treading upon his spirit  
Yet for me he sends one last smile  
And I shed my last tear  
Until nothing is left  
But that aching pain inside


	13. The Turning of the Damned

Something inside me  
Twisting and turning  
Yearning for relief  
Screaming, begging  
Looking for justification  
Self-indulged  
Bleeding and broken  
Pieces of who I used to be  
Needing something more  
Than you're willing to give  
Eternal love and damnation  
Filling my core  
Eating my soul  
Slowly I die  
Destined to fade away  
Nothingness enveloping  
My bloodied, broken form  
Darkness transcending  
Existence of not  
The turning of the damned


	14. Through your pain, I find my love

Pain  
Suffering  
Each and every blow  
Taking my breath away  
Taking my life away  
The things I'll do  
Just to hear you say  
That you even want me  
To force myself to believe  
That you could even love me  
Your whip lashes into the night  
I cry out in pain  
But force it become pleasure  
Reaction  
Anticipation  
I wait with bated breath  
For you to give me  
What I always wait upon  
To feel you within me  
I brace myself against the wall  
My shackles rattle as I shift  
You cackle in my ear  
As you position behind me  
Prepare to enter me  
Prepare to take me  
Make me yours once more  
Just one more time  
I beg you  
I want you  
Fill that void within me  
Fill that something inside me  
That one thing I lack  
Even as you enter me  
I feel as though  
I still am not complete  
You have been too gentle  
Your force, less than usual  
Your voice has not cursed me  
On this night  
You leave me aching  
Begging for more  
I need your violence  
I need your pain  
I need to feel you  
As you rip my delicate flesh  
As you beat me  
As you whip me  
For my insolence  
And then you give me bliss  
Your nails dig into the flesh of my back  
Your fangs sink deep into my shoulder  
You thrust into me harder, faster  
Ripping me, tearing me to pieces  
And then it comes,  
I spill myself onto the ground below  
I moan your name  
You growl mine as you release  
I feel you fill me  
And now I am complete  
Now I am fulfilled  
You have inflicted your love  
Through my pain  
And for that  
I will eternally love you


	15. To Finally be Free

Like a knife your love cuts me deeply  
Inside, you bind me, beat me  
My blood runs hot inside me  
Burning like red hot fire within me  
And then it's spilling from me  
Flowing like lava from within me  
Pooling beneath me, deeply  
Your love will end me  
Your care for me will kill me  
If not today, then another  
My life means nothing to you  
My blood upon your hands  
Does not concern you  
You do not weep for me  
You idly watch me fade  
Let the darkness take me  
The ropes around my heart  
Bend and split  
The chains around my soul  
Rust and fall  
In my last breath, I am free  
You took my life, my all  
But in the end, I prevail  
My death not in vain  
I see clearly now  
It was not your love  
To sweetly slit me  
But your anger, your fear, your pain  
Darkness enfolds me  
Gently sweeping me  
Into its caring arms  
Carrying me to another place  
No longer will I feel  
The weight of your sins upon me  
How nice it feels...  
To finally be free


	16. Who ever said it ends with death?

Dangerous  
Compelling  
That's what this  
Was supposed to be  
All about  
But it wasn't  
No  
Instead it became  
The very last thing  
I'd ever do with my life  
Just one thing  
With just one action  
I lost everything  
Death consumes me  
Eternally binding me  
To a pact I did not want to make  
Me and him  
Him and I  
The Devil incarnate  
Reaps his vengeance  
On my very soul  
Icy cold breath  
Whispers past my ear  
The chains that bind me  
To the flames  
Rattle incessantly  
Never ending  
Always edging on my frail nerves  
His whip lashes me  
Slices through my very flesh  
But no blood will pour  
From these wounds he provides  
For I am amongst those who do not live  
One of the un-dead  
I remain amongst  
The eternal flames of damnation  
Free to live only by his rulings  
Free to only think as he sees fit  
Free to do what?  
Absolutely nothing  
I am bound  
For eternity  
Condemned  
To never really die  
To never really live  
Hell is my one and only  
My newest and my oldest  
Home


	17. Whisper of a memory, never forgotten

Whispers of memories  
Never forgotten  
Always a treasure  
Something so wrong  
Yet so right  
Working your way  
Into my heart  
Every moment  
Every movement  
Aching deep within  
It's the pain that  
You leave me with  
In that time  
When you are  
Only a memory  
A treasure so dear  
Always in thought  
Never forgotten


	18. It's all a lie

Is it okay to pretend?  
Is it alright to say it doesn't hurt,  
When, honestly, it does?  
Can I hide behind this mask?  
Is it considered a lie,  
When I only edit the truth?  
This pain inside,  
Burning and tearing,  
Eating away at my mind.  
This is something that will never  
Be a new feeling  
From day one,  
This feeling began within me  
Is it okay for no one to ever know?  
Can I live like this?  
Can I allow this lie to be my life?  
In the end,  
I tell myself,  
It only matters that I deal with the truth.  
Even if it's only a lie, that I show.  
I know the truth.  
I feel the pain, the sting of the truth.  
Everyone else can pretend.  
They can see the feigned happiness.  
While I live the truth.


	19. Freedom

Something aching  
Twisting  
Pulling me apart  
From within my soul  
From deep inside  
I feel nothing  
But the aching pain  
That drives you to this  
To this destruction  
The freedom that you seek  
The release that you want so badly  
My only desire  
Is to provide  
My deepest regret  
Is that I remain  
Helpless and lost  
Standing by the sidelines  
Dread filling my heart and soul  
Something akin to pain  
Cold fingers wrapping around my soul  
With your freedom  
A price I will pay  
To ache for something  
That will never be again  
Wishing for your peace  
But remaining in selfishness  
I ache for a loss  
Not yet occurred  
A pain not yet dealt  
An end, not yet met  
For you,  
I ache


	20. Eternity

A question waiting for eternity  
Answered in the snap of a finger  
Weighing so heavily on my heart  
Begging, struggling to be free  
Looming over my head  
Forcing tears of blood from my body  
Visions of darkness and pain  
Filter these images  
Find the truth, hidden among the lies  
Blend the black, seeking the perfect grey  
Placate my mind and soul  
Show me eternity  
I will show you destiny  
Slowly open the eyes of the world  
Picture perfect, dying in black  
Fading memories, swirling illusions of the past  
Another time, another place  
Here, Then, Now, and Gone  
Drag me into this abyss  
Lay me here to find your pain  
Show me your soul and I'll hand you my heart  
Blood dripping, flesh beating  
A morbid sound, a happy sound  
Paint me a picture, show me the world  
Take my hand and lead me within  
Free my mind, surround me with warmth  
Find this truth, see the future  
Within this destiny, you'll find emotion  
Between emotion, hurt and joy  
Newfound expression, freedom of another kind  
Blue and black, boundless and free  
Together, we can find... eternity


	21. Fading

Fading away  
Falling into darkness  
Save me from this vast abyss of pain  
Help me find another road to walk upon  
Endless tears fall from these eyes  
Scattered memories haunting every minute  
Pain that weighs me down  
Pulling me deeper into oblivion


	22. Something I will never see

Always something else,  
Never do they see what I see,  
Outside looking in or inside looking out,  
A dirty beast within,  
A shining star without,  
All they ever see, the words that leave their lips,  
Filled with kindness and words of praise,  
Inside my mind I hear the screams,  
Inside I cannot believe their lies,  
I see something horrible,  
They see something I cannot...  
Does that make either wrong?  
Or maybe... the truth lies somewhere between...


	23. The Pain

So few words, so many emotions  
In a single line, with a single word  
These tears of mine flow.  
I loose myself in the vast ocean of saline  
Why do i feel so alone already?  
As though your mind is made up?  
As though you've already left me behind?  
Why is it that I know that even in your demise,  
I would still find your pain?  
Why is it that I am so helpless?  
Why can I not simply solve this?  
I cannot make this world a better place,  
Instead I endure the bitter pain...  
I would turn the world for you,  
If only that were possible.  
Inside you die, silent and alone  
I can hear your screams, feel the bitter pain  
Yet I am helpless to stop it,  
Incapable of turning it around  
These tears fall, not for me, but for you  
This torrent of pain is nothing in comparison  
Yet I feel so lost and hollow and alone already  
It's as though I can feel your every emotion  
Share in every pain  
And, yet, it is not enough  
All that I can do is sit by and helplessly watch  
My words must feel so meaningless  
The lies of others tainting my every good intention  
One step forward, and twenty back  
Now the tears have gone, leaving behind only this hollow ache  
Even this void shows me pain and heartache  
Nothing can be unfeeling, nothing is ever really numb at all  
Curse these words, to hell with these feelings  
Why do I have them if I cannot solve anything at all with them?  
I never say the right thing  
I never solve any of your problems, only make them worse  
Inside I'm dying with you  
And you don't even know it  
Outside, it's only these worthless tears  
Never a spoken word, only these tormenting thoughts  
Culminating pain in my chest  
This ache splitting my head in two  
You're dying alone and you won't even tell me  
It's what I deserve  
It's what I get for showing you how much I hurt for you  
If I'd kept it all inside, shown you only the good things...  
If... If... always if  
Why is it that I never do it right the first time?  
These mistakes, this pain, this growing dread deep inside me  
I hear your words  
... I'm dying... all alone... and no one cares...  
And I feel your pain  
A solid ache in my chest, the pain almost unbearable  
And yet, it will never be enough  
I will always fall short of what you truly need  
Why do I live this pain, this torture  
If all I can do is stand by and watch you suffer?  
Why is it never enough?  
Please... make these tears have reason  
Make this pain for something  
Numb... I wish it were all numb...  
But if never will be  
I will always feel, I will always shed these tears  
Inner turmoil reflected outwardly in every crystal drop  
Someone... make this all worth something... please...


	24. Caged

Like a dog on a leash, like a cat in a collar, like a fish confined to a fishbowl, I feel like I belong in a zoo, effectively a rat in a cage. Hastily confined to my restrictions, you think you know what's best for me? You think you can rule me forever? Just wait and see, one day something will blow your way, and you'll find that you no longer confine me, you no longer rule me. One day, I will find the elusive freedom of doing whatever the hell I want, going wherever the hell I want. Screw you, bitch. You think I care if you hate me? You think I care what you say? It's not you that rules me. The one you call yours rules me more than you. I tired long ago of the games you play, the way you fuck with my mind. You tell me you care, you tell me you just want your "little girl" back. You know what I say to that? I say, fuck off. It's too god damned late for that. I have changed, I have become who I want to be, who I will remain. It may not be your idea of "good", but then again that's all a relative concept, isn't it? Good, Evil, I'm still your flesh and blood and not even you can change that. One day I will escape this cage. One day I will be free of you and your abusive chains. No, you don't hit me... at least not any more. But you may as well be. Your words sting like a whip from the Devil himself. Words can never hurt me? That's the biggest lie ever and you damn well know it. So, for now, my words are here, safe, where you will be far too inept to ever find them. In light of that, fuck off you stupid abusive fucking bitch. You'll get yours, one day the bucket will be on your head, the cage around your heart, the muzzle over your mouth. And you know what I'll tell you? To god damned well live with it.

"... despite all my rage... I'm still just a rat in a cage..."  
From Bullet with Butterfly Wings by Smashing Pumpkins


	25. Self-Induced Hell

There is a darkness deep within me, twisting it's claws further and further into my soul with each moment that I live, with every breath I take. The emotions that I feel overwhelm me, squeezing painfully, tightening around my heart, filling my eyes with only the blood red of pain and agony. I see things that I should not see, hear things that I should not hear, feel things that no human was ever meant to feel. The intensity of it all becomes too much and I break down and cry. I watch the people around me and wonder how they can be so happy, so at ease while I feel such incredible pain, while my heart and soul twist in agony. I have most everything anyone could ever want, but yet, I am not happy. I will not let myself be. It is as though I was meant to dwell within the darkest depths of my mind, to live amongst the emotions that reek of blood, death, tears, and decaying flesh. I find solace in writing out the agony of others, to let the world feel their pain as intensely as I feel it deep inside of me. I can't help but wonder - was I truly meant for this world? Or was I destined for another world, full of darkness and wrenching screams that fill the night? I have created my own internal agony, my very own self-induced hell.


	26. The Path Upon Which I Walk

Fate and destiny have intertwined to form my path and it is that which I must walk, no matter the torrents of rain that splatter me, the weight that crushes me, I must continue to walk my path, the path that I was chosen to follow.


	27. Decay of Happiness

Written July 6, 2006 - 2 days after the return from Anime Expo and the Hyde Concert in California.

Two days and already that sparkle is gone...  
That smile that wouldn't leave,  
That happiness that refused to fade...  
All gone, lost into an abyss of depression and anger.

How easy it is to find my way back to this place;  
This steadily growing, ever enveloping darkness.

It's times like these when you wonder if it's worth it,  
If it's all just a pathetic lie.

Should I show my pain?  
Bear it openly, ripping my soul in two  
Showing the rotting decay inside?

Or should I wallow in silence?  
Showing nothing but a lie,  
Carefully keeping this tucked away,  
So deep inside I fear I may drown within its murky waters?

Every aspect of this life,  
Fading away,  
Falling short,  
Being pried from my clutching hands.

No matter how I try,  
No matter how much effort I put forth...

I drive myself to the brink,  
Risking more than many will ever know

And yet...  
It all comes down to the disbelief  
Shining in their eyes as they stare at me.

The truest look, the purest glance  
I've seen in far too long,  
Came from the most unlikely source.

Eyes I wish I could simply forget  
Fade away the memory,  
Throwing away the happiness of those two days  
Force this all to stop haunting me,  
Taunting me like a dream,  
Rather than the reality it truly was.

So happy, for just two days. And yet...  
It wasn't near enough for the darkness I keep deep within,  
Not enough to paint the walls of my emotions white again...  
Not but a dingy grey.

Slowly the dismal black bleeds through the white,  
Turning me once more to who I used to be,  
Not who I truly wanted to be, yearned to be,  
Not who I found for those two days.

Slowly sinking,  
Forever fading...  
Hiding the truth behind the lies...  
Everlasting darkness...  
This time, there are no tears left to shed.


	28. Truth to ease the pain

It never fails  
This pain I feel  
Yours from a distance  
Mine to bear  
Yours to feel  
Mine to mirror  
Deep inside of me  
The truth is reflected  
In every pull of this string  
Every tug of this rope  
Soothe it over with words  
The truth in writing  
Ease this ache  
Show me how you truly feel  
Wordless conversation  
Blind me with this pain  
Tears wrought with agony  
An agony not my own  
A pain born within you  
Placed within me  
Slip me from this binding  
Lead me to the reality  
The bitter-sweet taste of truth  
The fear of what's to come  
Slowly fading away  
Easing into the darkened sea of calm  
Lead the way  
I shall follow  
Together we will rise  
Or together we shall fall  
Bound in reality  
Shared for eternity  
Never to part  
Never to lose  
Always one.


	29. A cry for help... ignored

Worthless... despondent...  
Nothing but broken glass,  
Discarded and useless  
Help me...  
Dying within, debating without  
Slowly I unscrew the cap  
A simple headache... a migraine from stress  
A few pills to take the pain away  
As I stare down at the handful of capsules...  
A deliberation occurs  
Maybe I should take them all  
Pull this burning ache from my chest  
Slowly slip away, unnoticed, uncaring  
Minutes tick away, time going achingly slow  
My thoughts only on should I or shouldn't I?  
My eyes only on that bottle of pills  
Would it do it? Would it take it all away?  
Maybe... maybe not  
I blink once, then twice  
Then the tears enter my eyes  
An unstoppable flood of agony  
Every drop a burning representation of my emotions  
Why is it I can't help?  
Why is it that no matter what I do, I fail?  
Why can't you truly believe me when I say what I feel?  
Why do you keep going back to that?  
Why do I feel like I should die for this?  
I put them all back except four.  
I take the four and swallow them down,  
Praying for the pain to fade  
I know it can't take it all away... not this few...  
Is life really so worthless that I was debating throwing it away?  
Or am I really just that hopeless?  
You say it is you who is worthless... maybe it's truly me.  
Hung up on it... I can't let the thought go...  
If I died... would anyone really care?  
If I threw it all away... would it make a difference?  
The ache steadily grows... the pills aren't helping now...  
I don't really want to die... yet I contemplate it like it's nothing  
Someone... anyone... please... help me  
Yet no one comes, no one cares enough to even ask  
I change things to show the direction of my thoughts and wait  
And still, no one comes, no one asks...  
Alone in this misery, a cry for help ignored  
Never have I cried wolf, and yet...  
Everyone ignores me when I let loose this cry for help  
Why won't you come?  
Why won't you help me?  
My heart slams against my chest  
The ache increases ever steadily  
Alone... utterly... alone  
Only myself to keep me in this world  
Only myself to rely upon  
That'll teach me...


	30. Fade the past into present

You aren't meant to live in pain... one day this life will treat you better, with more respect.

One day life will suddenly have meaning and your purpose will be revealed.

Until then, the pain can be viewed as a trial; each day as a new leaf on an over-filled tree.

Do not hold onto the pain.

Only hold onto the pleasure, the happy thoughts and the pleasant actions.

Eliminate the ones who cause you anger and pain, keep only the ones that bring you peace and happiness.

Don't let your past cloud you and shroud you in darkness.

Let the hope of a brighter tomorrow be what you cling onto, the thing that keeps you afloat, even as your raft is sinking.


	31. Take this life, become the blessed

Sacrificial agony  
Alone and afraid  
Unable to deem my direction  
Discretion to the wind  
Right or wrong play no parts  
This is destitution... isolation  
I no longer fear your blade  
Every strike of your hand  
Like refreshing truth  
Hit me harder  
Show me the light  
Make me believe again  
Open my arms to the sky  
Let the rain pour down  
Nothing but white linens  
Beneath my feet crackles  
Stench of decay  
Hanging in limbo  
Torn and dismembered  
Yet I still open my arms  
Forever begging to be taken  
Rot away, flesh drips from my bones  
Melting into darkness  
Eat my soul and seek the truth  
Crickets beneath me chirping no more  
Loudly the silence falls  
Crushing into weightlessness  
No more breath, no more pain  
Blessed be the hands that took it all away  
Saved be the one who stole me from this life  
Precious be the blade, now lodged in my flesh  
Grateful am I, for you have given me my want  
Forever in your crimson debt I will remain  
The final drop falls and away I go


	32. Yielding to the words

I don't like these feelings I'm having.  
Why do I suddenly doubt you so?  
Why do I question what this is?  
Why is it that I automatically go to that?  
A shiver runs down my spine and cold settles in my gut.  
I don't want to doubt you.  
I don't want to think that you could have...  
I wish I knew the truth, then I could just deal with it, get past it.  
Aches fill my body, drag me into deeper, darker thoughts.  
Hide things you say, very bad you tell me.  
Panic and paranoia grip you with their bloody claws.  
I'm not afraid of what the truth could be.  
More, I'm afraid of what the consequences could do to you.  
As this line of thought travels further, I lose myself in it.  
...so the cats won't go digging while I'm asleep...  
...20 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being worst...  
Thoughts going round and round in my head, confusing, dizzying.  
I try desperately to ignore the little voice in the back of my mind.  
I don't want to hear what it's saying, but I do anyway.  
...  
Wash this blood from my vision, drown these thoughts into nothingness.  
I won't think this way, I can't.  
...a secret, hun...  
Never a secret before... a first.  
Turn your head, look who's paranoid now.  
These blackened hands reach into my soul and pull these thoughts away.  
Tearing, ripping, pulling.  
Blood stained and withering away.  
Fade these thoughts away.  
Push them from my fingers.  
Force them violently into words.  
A burden once heavy, now lightened by this.  
A thought... incomplete...


	33. Silent Tears

Silent tears  
Falling from me  
Leaving me lost  
Feeling broken  
Ashamed and hidden  
Silent and pained  
Full of this sorrow  
This unyielding pain  
Hoping not to loose you  
Messing it all up instead


	34. Silent Seduction, Crimson Regret

Silent seduction...  
Crimson regret...  
...  
Tangle your skilled fingers  
Within me  
Slide the blade of my discretion  
Upon me  
Crushing weight descends  
Maim me  
Teardrops of life wash  
Over me  
Your cruel voice issues hollowly  
Above me  
Intentions coated in laughter  
Frame me  
Cutting away this life  
Hurt me  
Descending into the next  
Kill me  
Aching pieces of me  
Use me  
Ripping me in two  
Rape me  
...  
Is this what it's all about?  
Is this how it should end?  
...  
Silent seduction...  
Crimson regret...


	35. Reality, truth, existence

Catch me in this dream  
Take me to a higher plane  
Show me how to reason  
Show me how to feel  
Pushing, Pulling  
Coming undone  
Bursting at the seams  
To me this is life  
To you this is not but a dream  
Give me a real existence  
Take me into your heart  
Show me what it means to love  
Show me this rope that binds  
Cut me free or let me swing  
Without true feelings,  
This life is worth nothing  
Without someone to walk this path beside me,  
This life is meaningless  
Without you this dream would not exist  
Without this sound that washes over me,  
I would be left in a haze of days gone by  
Withering, Wasting, Falling to pieces  
Give me my biggest desire  
Free me from this dream  
Breathe into me true existence


	36. Ultimate Downfall

Satin tears of eloquent pain  
Softly they flow from these eyes  
Shaking voice, flowing like water  
Vast, deep, swift is this ache within  
Stand in the shallows, watching me  
Your heart, soul, body, and mind protected  
Wade in only up to your knees  
I sink ever deeper in the waters of despair  
May the swift current take me away  
Lapping, pulling, taking me deeper  
Crystal clear begins to run crimson  
My tears become a scream of suffering  
Fill the air with all of my emotion  
Hear me as I cry out for your help  
Stand there, staring, watching, doing nothing  
Can you not see the truth through your blindness?  
Staring you so blatantly in the face  
The ache within grows and desperation sets in  
Confusion, chaos, fear, and anguish  
Terror spills from my lips  
Torment spills from my eyes  
All I wanted was for you to hear me  
For you to understand my pain, my fear, my life  
I stand here before you, baring my soul  
All that I receive is your screams in return  
Crimson turns to black and still you remain  
Ever standing in the shallows, protected and safe  
I rip myself apart to show you how I feel  
I spill my life upon the Earth, crying out to you  
Someone hear me, someone catch me before I fall  
Falling... falling... forever falling  
Instead you stand and smile, watching as I die  
Here I stand, before your very eyes  
The embodiment of your disregard  
Watch as this life fades away  
Watch as you create the ultimate downfall  
Soon it will be you screaming your heart out  
Begging for someone to listen  
And all they will do is stand and cheer.


	37. Finding the demon

Follow me blindly down this path  
Towards darkness I pull you  
Sending you deeper into your own depths  
Forcing you to see it all from my perspective  
Anguish, Fear, Life, Hatred, Love, Elation, Death  
Slowly that wicked smile spreads  
Reveal to the world who you truly are  
Showing your very essence in your every move  
Bending the will of others to suit your needs  
Breaking every bond that holds you  
Shattering the very core of who you used to be  
Slipping, fading, wasting away  
Incomplete consciousness guides you  
Pulling, tugging, freeing your inner demon  
Imperfect mask shattered and broken  
Revealed is what lay beneath  
Scarred, broken, essential perfection  
In this world I can show you as I see  
From this vantage I can guide you to the end  
Living at the edge, staring into void  
A gentle breeze and you disappear  
Forever lost, nothing but a perfect demon


	38. From our eyes

Softly, your words falling  
Blatantly, your eyes possessing  
Provocatively, your hands caressing  
Silently, your actions seducing  
Languidly, your performance stunning  
Flawlessly, your music flowing  
Temptingly, your presence pulling  
Slowly, your emotions showing  
Cautiously, your motions asking  
Breathlessly, your temptation reaching  
Comfortingly, your hips swaying  
Smoothly, your form retreating  
Helplessly, your fans wishing


	39. Solitude

Alone, aching, this pain consuming me  
Thoughts, memories, horrible images  
Bombarding every waking moment  
In this darkness, in this solitary place  
Each moment comes back to life  
Every touch, every hit, every cut  
Reliving the past within the present  
What was once only thoughts, becomes more  
Eaten alive by each reflected memory  
Slowly, achingly, it eats whoever I once was  
It consumes whoever I will become  
Destined never to be the same again  
The past devouring any future before me  
In this pain, in this solitary dusk  
Alone I will die  
Only being beside of you can save me  
Images devoured by your very presence  
Thoughts drawn back into the shadows by your light  
You give me the power to survive, the will to continue  
No more darkness, no more solitude  
Banish the past to where it belongs  
Bask in the light of the present  
Wait for the night, to be alone, for the pain to return  
Forever waiting on the solitude and pain


	40. Ebb of Comprehension

Plush hatred  
Shattered breaking glass  
Crystal reflection  
Swirling substance of regret  
Debris of cascading fantasy  
Unforgiving relentless reality  
Cold shudder of sick  
Perverted caressing strokes  
Midnight drowning  
Pulsating warmth in compensation  
Timelessly floating  
Stolen breath on flightless wings  
Unyielding soulless temptation  
Dying outside and living within  
Caressing breeze of vivid horror  
Divided and entitled to complete  
Shrouded meanings  
Entangled in withering eyes  
Stinging burn of rationality  
Simple harmony within darkness  
Painted death of brilliant green  
Ace held high in glow of faded neon  
Pulsating shock of afterglow  
Reason abandoned to cold hard steel  
Fragrance emerging on sinister tongue  
Words spoken with needle pinned lips  
Heart beating crimson trail of paper  
Awake in dreamless sanity  
Guided with gears of flower petals  
Softness of harsh illuminating retaliation  
Comfort of mindless sleep  
Shaken just to be stilled within  
Abrupt for causality of dream  
Faded lines of sharp black  
Painting a picture of contradiction  
Shattered soul reflected in broken mirror  
Shaking hands softly caressing crimson  
Heart stilled to final reluctance  
Albeit a crime... let me go.


	41. Never Regret

Silver sparkling in the moonlight  
Glint of steel against pale flesh  
Slowly the blade slides across expanse  
Crimson swells up and overflows  
Self-destruction, in the most literal sense of the word  
I do this to truly show the world  
To show some fraction of the true destruction  
The one everyone overlooks  
The pain no one can see or even fathom exists  
Internal self destruction  
Something dwelling within us all  
Even in such small amounts  
Some are truly broken within, flawless without  
With this one blade, I show you everything  
All you can see is the life flowing out  
The only thing you care about is what doesn't even matter  
Scarred and destroyed, pieces of what I used to be  
Internal agony, self defeat  
The things you cannot see are the ones that hurt the most  
Wounds never to fully heal, scars so deep they'll never leave  
Outside a single slice to flawless expanse of perfection  
Inside a tangled mess of indecency and perversion  
Outwardly a single crystalline drop falls  
Inwardly, fifty four cuts, seventy four lashings, and the most brutal beating of my life  
The most destructive self destruction isn't physical  
Turning a blind eye to the pain within my soul will only further this pain  
Yet... it is precisely what you do, preserving yourself without even realizing  
Alone I choke on my own emotions, drown in the flood within me  
Abandoned, isolated, forgotten... dying  
Another line of crimson, a single line repeated like my own personal mantra  
Never regret...


	42. Song Lyrics

Slowly breaking, Dying just a little every time  
Drugs and alcohol, Pushing the limits  
Blood and tears, Shocking and unsettling  
Holding you close as you break yourself apart  
Growing pain... the pulsating life of yesterday  
You rip me down while you kill yourself  
Drag me closer to your hell  
Sinking with you into the depths of despair  
What more can be done to heal you?  
You spit in my face and tell me to die  
I whisper that I love you and always will  
You tell me of harsh, cruel, reality and push me away  
Your darkness consumes me, finally pulling me over the edge  
Finally I see everything from your point of view  
Something that shouldn't be, shattered and broken  
Hopeless and devoid of caring, Fear and self-loathing  
Uncertainty fades into absolute, Blinded by your lies  
One thought circulates with true certainty, brilliant emotion  
You broke me with you, you goddamn fucking sadistic whore!  
I turn away and find another...  
Praying for that false hope of yesterday  
Build me up then shove me aside  
Once broken now repaired by the hands of an amateur  
Breathing, living proof that if I can, you can too  
Take it, find it, burn it into your existence and become...  
Find eternity within yourself, not within me as before  
Never again will you be my weakness, my failure  
You're not my demon, my ever suffering torture of such sweetness  
Build yourself once again and I'll reconsider...  
Until then... this is goodbye.


	43. If I...

If I dug a hole to my soul, simply to show it to you, would you be there to understand?  
If I ripped my beating heart from my mangled chest, would you be there to catch me as I fell?  
If I told you just how much you truly matter to me, would it change your view on life?  
If I found you lying in a pool of your own life, would I find it within myself to continue living?  
If I got the news of your tragic end, would it matter how much I cried, how split in two I felt?  
If I begged you to understand just how I feel your pain, would it make you less inclined to cause it?  
If I took contemplation a step further, would it matter to you... would you care... or would you even know?  
If I showed you this ache inside of me, would you sing a different tune or continue to play this morbid song upon my heart?  
If I found the words to express my emotion, would you listen with open ears or tune me out and call it a lie?  
If I showed you this, would you understand or would you take it the wrong way and leave me forever?  
If I rip myself in two and gave you half, would you cling to it like I think you would, or shove it back in my face?  
If I posed the swirling questions of my mind, would you reply or would you ignore my pleas?  
If I told you how sorry I am, would you believe that I ripped your trust from your shaking hands and spat on it?  
If I gave you more than what I already have, would it even matter or would it be another lie in your eyes?  
If I lost it all and fled from this pain, would you sit idly by and watch or run after me with tears in your eyes?  
If I told you just how much I love you, would you call that a lie as well and stomp on my beating heart again?  
If I cried for you, would you know or even care anymore?  
If I told you how much it hurt to have my love discarded, would you realize the truth?  
If I asked you if it was all a game to you... what would you say in reply?


	44. Darkness Angel

Free me from this dream.  
Bleed into my open mouth.  
Keep the breath withheld.  
Mock from the window adorn.  
Silence, all but golden.  
A sliver held in the dying darkness.  
Pale and fragile you stand.  
Open wings of molten steel.  
Every drop, dying crimson.  
Fading reality, come unto me.  
Breathless you fall away.  
Sad and empty, as a broken bottle.  
Glorious remains of the fallen.  
Torture and torment remain.  
Continued existence...  
Withering in the light.  
Comfort me softly,  
The touch of cool metal.  
Fly me away on unusable wings.  
Burn my temple with icy flames.  
Darkness caresses...  
...and fades.


	45. Past, Future, Dream, Reality

A photograph, a snapshot, a dying dream  
Reality crumbling in the depths of dreams  
Something feared and unbidden  
A flash, an image, an emotion crashing down  
Fleeting, never enough, nothing more than the past  
Images drowning in amber pools of dank life  
Crescent half lies, pushing to make sense  
A single cord, essential essence, harbinger of death  
Acidic rain pours from my lips, blood from my eyes  
Desperate and unfettered, clinging to hope of days past  
Endless, yet bounded, huddled within the safety of icy glass  
Jagged, broken, fragments of a dream, nothing more  
Pieces of the past, easily molded into pleasure  
The sharpest pain, within, without, carried as eternal burden  
Kiss my soul, take the brightly colored ribbon from round my neck  
Choke me violently, strangle the eve of color and revelation  
Silence, the greatest friend, found enemy in the darkness of heart  
Truth, undeniable gentle hands, blood stained memories  
Breaking silence, shattered and lost in a moment  
And then it's gone, forever scattered as the wind carries a seed  
Fragments of a whole, forgotten, pushed aside, nothing but the past...


	46. Hollow Inside

Pain that burns anew, recognition lost in the depths of a lie  
Flames flicker and die, fated to lose themselves in this night  
Burning passion, indescribable comfort sought  
A battle, lost, denied, defined by nothing  
Lines never merged, meaningless scrawl and loss of depth  
Hollow, yet filled to the brim, emotions as though from another  
Outside the box, staring in with intensity beyond relief  
Words, coated and left to dry in the rain  
Falling softly from lips of agony, faded into black  
A desire and a pain, becoming one, faltering and falling  
Aimless desire to be, yet the ache to never exist  
Fulfillment but a breath away, yet too far to grasp in truth  
I reach for you as you run away...


	47. Meaningless Reference

Forever broken, forever submitted  
Softly floating on a sea of misty haze  
Above me you rest, silken flesh of an angel  
Devil in disguise, lost in disgust  
Bathed in filth of beauty, forgotten inside  
Pieces, fragments of something passed  
Quietly, on a sea of blood red pain  
Breaking what cannot be, sharing what is  
Lost to a message that must never be  
Deadly belief in a false reality  
Curling, blanketing, surrounding the soul  
Taken too soon, buried in the shallow graves of lies  
Your tears taste like my pain; deep and eternal  
Lovelorn, lost, shattered and deepened  
Meaningless haze of eternity in a single breath  
Dance a wicked sin, follow into never  
Ebb and fade, too quick to fall behind  
A twisted version of a farce too far gone  
Wilted beneath the orange and fiery red  
A single eternity, a million more lies to follow  
Deeper... deeper... a grave to seek  
The withered shall die, a love never lost, failed and broken  
Desire to replace, a heart forever stained in red  
Your tears they fall, pulling me to your sins  
At the gate I find truth in life, in every lie something more  
Higher... higher... a heaven not mine.


	48. Ending

Falling apart, twisting at the seams  
Seemingly mended, but only broken more  
Falling into an abyss clouded with misery and pain  
Sparkles of fake happiness glittering far above  
Silence ghosting overhead, pulling urgently upon my mind  
Bitter reality, tearing away at prelude  
Descent into madness, realizing you're already there  
Grasping at the false, red and silver, fading fast  
Gentle harmony, too far away to hold, too close to find  
Blinded in agony, pulsing heat of forever  
Condemning, oppressive eternity, swirling depth of amber  
Falling away, everything ends, pushing reality forefront  
Cast into darkness, clawing it away, tangled in limbs of hate  
Forever lost, never to be found, cliché in a single moment  
Forced solitude, eternal damnation, ending wrapped in heart


	49. Without Hope

I had a dream... I had a million of them  
Slowly every single one was shattered, broken  
Pieces, fragments, all that is left  
The core of what once was, strewn across the bloody floor  
Messages at the heart, strings pulled only in spite  
Fatal believer, something so true and far  
A reason, drifting, fading, lost in the end  
Purpose, what was my purpose? What is my purpose?  
A thousand tiny lies, making up the person that you see  
Consumed and rotted through, a death premature  
Suctioned from reality, lost in torrential pain  
Drifting into what is known best, finding leave of what ails  
Mask shifted, placed just so...  
Bitter cold, seeping, winding, consuming my all  
Slowly faded from true existence into meaningless paths  
A message too late, a loving embrace without hope  
A melody without end, this is the life left to live.


	50. play of mind

Mindless happiness, jumbled emotions  
Sudden change, almost desperate  
Reaching for a star, bright and burned into dust  
Ashes fall and mindlessly, I dance within the darkness  
Calling into play, revealed truth  
Hidden secret of tears beneath a pretense of sound and lies  
Penetrated feeling, careless pleasure  
Beneath the joy lies something deeper, more meaningful  
Decipher, translate, and meaning still eluded  
Carefree and shimmering just above my head  
Grasping for that which I cannot reach  
Mixture of truth and deception  
Eternal blindness in brightest light  
Shifting within, becoming something else  
Taken and replaced, disheveled and shelved  
Still that carefree feeling resides  
Waves of euphoria, descent into eternal void


	51. Movement of Emotion

Desperation, crying out into the dark  
Grasping at something not quite there  
Reality dissipating, evaporating away  
Flags of shocking red hang overhead  
Silent arms waving to brilliant stars  
Masked disaster, exploding brightly  
Pressing need, driving further away  
Holding the white linens of tomorrow  
Sorrow and happiness combine as one  
Breathless destruction, angry lines  
Wishing for the past, crimson forever  
Hanging on tomorrow, gasping for air  
Dying within and living on the outside  
Veiled forgiveness in the waking dawn  
Choking on air and drawing on sweetness  
Claiming the depth, one and the same  
Filling to the brim, spilling life over edge  
Overflowing passion, emotional depth  
Depraved and haunted, lyrics of expression  
Deep and drawn out, handing out truth  
Starting slow and ending in a rush of energy  
Plucking the strings of our souls one by one  
Holding out everything for the world to see  
Bound and tied, kept complete and waiting  
Stealing attention, grasping reality harshly  
Sparking ignition of flame and retention  
Thrumming rhythm, made for perfection  
Feeling the truth of it all, never letting go


	52. Harsh Reality Starting Over

Blinded love and lost emotion taking everything over  
Bitter trails of tears, lost in sanctuary of anger  
Rage rising in waves of despair, ebbing in tides of sorrow  
Confusion and pain, creating crimson lines on a perfect white canvas  
Spilled wine, pale white and spreading, covering the universe  
Clouds of dull purple, meaningless and yet heartbreaking  
Searching for comfort of loss, drawing the lines across pliant surface  
Tearing away at blue fabric, desperately clinging to the past  
Control slipping, fading... caressing and harshly binding  
Aching deep within, scratching my name into your wall  
Desperation pleads insanity into the darkened night  
Painful voices fill the cool night air, singing praise of nothing  
Blinded by the truth, searching for a soul no longer there  
Feather light touches turn to blades of ice and destruction  
Feed the lies and break the truth, unneeded and unfounded  
Crush whatever lies within and birth the new beginning  
Beat down the fire and stoke the ashes to crimson dawn  
Twisted meanings lost in the depths of deepened forever  
Cry out to the sky, beg for forever and scream for yesterday  
Changes taking over, build infinity with darkness and void  
Once completed, turn and walk away, shed this skin and hold another  
Shiny and new, pliant and warm, perfection wrapped in sorrow  
Today, tomorrow, yesterday, and forever, all as one complete


	53. Creation in Tempo

Silken feelings of lust and deception, curling inside  
Burning desire and raging need, filling everything  
Carefully seductive, the beat befitting of a God  
Pulsing warmth snaking its fingers into careless heat  
Come hither looks, carelessly thrown over shoulder  
Meaningless words, screamed into the darkness  
Writhing against binding, screaming out in pleasure  
Seduction as power, selective strings plucked in rhythm  
Throb and pulse, ebb and sway, distinct fascination  
Build toward climax, pushing harder with every chord  
Constant tempo, grinding beat, caressing voice  
Edging into the minds of the masses and taking over  
Hands sinking into constant desire, pulling the strings  
Commanding attention and demanding cries of fear  
Driving toward something, pulling deeper and deeper  
Masked defeat, embedded in trembling voice  
Pulling the crowd around on the strings of guitar and bass  
Commanding hips with pulse of drums and cry of vocal  
Bringing the world down as one and rising back from ash  
Divinity of form, perfected seduction, caressing all


	54. Finale

A coming of light, something akin to sadness  
Crawling toward the unreachable end  
Lightly my heart flutters, unveiling truth and lies  
Shrouded meaning, veiled in heavy darkness  
Broken, crumbling, falling at my feet in decay  
Raining from the skies in perfect disillusion  
Drown me in perfection of darkness  
Bring me to reality with screams of terror  
Gnawing within me, terrible defeat  
Agony unfolding, relaxing and coveting  
Torn fragments turn to woven words  
Movement fails to show the depth within  
Crying out to something lost within haze  
Reaching for something never nearby  
Brutal distortion of reality bends and sways  
Essence overflows the shallow holding cup  
The world crashing down all around me  
Screams to break the agony, to sell the truth  
Opaque rain falls over our heads, bringing end  
Burning descent, flames into darkness  
Searing heat of ice cold fingers wrap around my soul  
Pulling, begging, pleading... fear, agony... numb  
Turned to off and left behind, dead to the world  
Brutalized in the finale, comforted only by the hands that bind  
Collected and finalized... the End has come.


	55. Eternal Flame

An unyielding ache, something held onto forever  
Cherished and consumed, a passion kept deep within  
Feelings trapped in eternity, a sadness never abandoned  
Unyielding emotion, kept for years close to the heart  
Something never to be forgotten, always reserved  
Why is it that I cannot forget you, your essence... your beauty?  
Why is it that you seem to live on within my soul, undying and forever near?  
Eternal pain for the hole you've left behind... sadness, tears, and pain  
Crying out to the darkness, clinging to what could have been  
Thoughts of yesterday, tomorrow... forever and never  
Walls closing in, choking and blinding, holding me from you  
I reach for you and grasp empty air, nothing but a figment of my imagination  
Your laugh, your smile... my tears, my pain  
Memories pushed aside, unable to deal  
Crushing internal agony, an ever-binding love  
Unforgotten and eternally existing in so many hearts  
One blue flame among the many red, burning white hot and bright... for you  
Never forget, always holding on to... the one


	56. Angel of Blood

A beauty defied, a dress torn and frayed with time  
Deafening silence spent for eternity of isolation  
Chaotic difference pulling at paper wings... torn  
Tenderness of the past differed into meaninglessness  
Hands dripping in yellow paint, slowly sliding down the wall  
Collapsible memories, packed away in eternal stillness  
Tears caressing pale cheeks with tender love and eternity  
Long lost friend, swallowed up like it never existed  
Eternal satisfaction in a single essential drop of pain  
Cross my heart and hope for eternity and deliverance  
Kill to survive, resurrect to make everything right  
Tender caress of broken strings, pulling deeply on the heart  
Falling forever, riding the waves of euphoria to end  
A soft sigh, a final sound, flutter lightly into abyss  
Fly into fire, light the Earth, my angel of blood


	57. Beginning of End

Entitled to be what and who I want to be  
Shrouded by blinding light, suddenly unable to become  
Everything given at birth, yanked away in an instant  
Sharp stinging pain and then critical crimson flows  
What once was life becomes death, rotting corpse  
Careful ignorance led down this path of gravestones  
Cherry blossoms fall to the ground at my feet  
Electrically charged air surrounds me  
Static clinging within every pour, staying essence  
Pull from others to survive among rotting decay  
Confusion of mind and imbalance of body  
Created in haste and left as dead in the mind  
Point the finger in blame, no one to point at anymore  
Blood flows into crystal wine, gleaming, radiant, absurd  
Writhing desire flooding my mind and body with one drink  
You taste like heaven and feel like pure sin flowing in my veins  
Hear no more, see no more, exist as nothing within void  
Revenge is sweet radiance and divine decadence  
Walking away, never returning, becoming one with the night  
The final cry of descent, wrenched free of terrified lips  
Finding end within beginning, this is what it's all about  
Delicate hands belonging to the demon of the darkness  
Behold and cherish... behold and cherish...


	58. Crimson Vision

Falling apart, ripping into oblivion  
Silence that weighs down on my soul  
Tender words forgotten, left behind  
Soft touches enveloped in distant past  
Pain of present, pulling me down  
Aching inside, pieces of who I used to be  
Trying so hard, pushing toward failure  
Truth is the illusion, lies are paved in gold  
Love is a tie that binds... and blinds  
Enslaved with willing touch and word  
Tears hidden behind curtains of frothy white  
Curving lips, smiling despite the ache  
Striving for perfection, an end with no means  
Radiant colors pulsing in crystal clarity  
Desperation and trepidation, ever present  
Warmth beside and shivers within  
Wishes granted in black and white  
Desires painted crimson with defeat  
Filling the void with an empty glass  
Cutting air with nothing but invisible darkness  
Crushing weight descends and enfolds  
Daylight comes and takes us all away  
Sweep clean of pointless dreams  
Rise and start anew, washed of nighttime sins  
Ending current sways, gently in the breeze


	59. Salvation and Reparation

Something mysterious, fading softly into darkened sky  
A soft shower of emotion, enveloped in blurry haze  
This all consuming desire to simply exist, to be  
Something simple, yet so deeply disturbed  
Life falls into place, crystalline clear and radiant  
The semblance of something more, eternal drive  
Heated and purged, waiting for redemption to come  
Saved by the soul of another, wrapped in hazel-blue  
Driven to become, treasured like a precious jewel  
Hidden deep inside and raked over hot coals in reality  
Tuck the secret further... deeper, never let it loose  
Wrapped in silken desires, pulled over the edge  
Rushing water leaking down in a torrent of love  
Seek and find the truth buried within encased glass  
Fragile, yet unbreakable in essence, unable to comply  
Hands reaching out into the distance, grasping at nothing  
Bled dry of existence, just a shadow hanging overhead  
Becoming the savior, existence in and of itself... complete


	60. Lost...

Lost...  
Shroud me in your darkness  
Love me in your way  
Take me beneath  
Cloud me in decay  
Let me feel, then fall away  
In a way...  
All that I expected  
All that I deserved  
Fallen so far from the truth  
An abyss of lies and pain  
Deceit and truth  
Which to remain, which to fall  
Rising toward forever  
Fly like the bird I can never be  
One piece, twisted and disturbed  
One... and the same  
An emotional pain so deep, I bleed  
Tear me away  
Free me from this place, this pain  
Settle into forever  
Found...  
But never the same  
Always ashamed  
Always and forever, never  
Anguished tears of forever  
Never solved and always broken  
Something for the best  
From beginning to end...  
The same old song  
Always and for eternity...  
Lost...


	61. As I Lay Dying...

You laugh at me as I lay here, dying on your floor  
You cry, but your tears aren't right  
***  
Filtered and forgotten, this is nothing but the chaos inside your head  
Empty... deceit... forget these lies and let me free  
The monster inside your head, aching to be let out  
It's in the way you stab my heart from my body, the way you bleed me dry  
Your bloodshot eyes tell of another story, another place  
Warmth in every beat... chaotic silence in between  
***  
You laugh at me as I lay here, dying on your floor  
You cry, but your tears aren't right  
***  
This escape is a meaningless plot to a bitter end  
Crushed by the falling of every starting line  
Bittersweet is the agony of your words  
A flash of silver... and then it's all but over  
***  
You laugh at me as I lay here, dying on your floor  
You cry, but your tears aren't right  
***  
Something aching deep inside  
A plot not quite thought out, not quite thought about  
An insistence in the back of your mind, reminding you to be someone you are not  
Calling from the darkness, a voice bereaved of breath, crying out  
This blood spilled, this bittersweet love at an end  
***  
You laugh at me as I lay here, dying on your floor  
You cry, but your tears aren't right  
***  
You cry, but your tears... they just aren't right  
You cry...  
You cry...  
You... cry...


	62. A Farewell of Sorts

A republic of strength... lost for eternity.  
Etched in stone, glaring silence of eternity.  
Boundless trust in the existence of naught.  
Fallen words, useless meanings...  
A farewell of sorts, a pointless endeavor.


	63. Reality?

Is this feeling something too elaborate? Are these walls really doing as I feel they are? Is the reality of it all that I'm standing too close to the edge... so close to falling off. My fingers paint the walls a silly charcoal brown. The color of anguish. One would think perhaps it'd be more than that, brighter, bigger... better. Clawing at the way out, desperate in every action. Breath coming short, unable to think of anything other than the past, the future... present does not exist in mind. Why am I here? What am I good for? Is it really all as useless as I see it? Could the world end today and I find what I need? Elaboration. Conjunction. Subjugation. It's a world of overflowing wine. A confession of needless proportion. Backing away, letting reality fall past. I stand here, living my own lie. Leaves fall from the trees, a season passing me by. A cool breeze, flowing right through me, never upon me. What is it to exist? Maybe I'm not even here. Indecent reactions, compulsion of the furthest reach. Grasping for what I cannot reach. Over the edge, spilling into bitter truth. Let the end flow past. Always reaching, never obtaining. Reality.


	64. A Question of When

I know I'm not enough for forever. I'm not everything you need, nor can I be. So much more is missing than what I can make up for and I know that you can't handle that. All I can do is sit and watch as you crumble before my eyes. I'm helpless to change the way things go, the way they are. I'd rip out my heart and hand it to you, if only it would help. I'd send you every memory of happiness to replace the bad, if I thought it'd cure everything. But it won't.

I'm drowning in a sea of you and me. It's almost like I can't find my way back home each time. As if the darkness is clouding my eyes; everything is turning a murky brown. I want to be there for you. I want to help you and hold you and take all the bad away. But if I took it all away, the little bit of good wouldn't be enough. The tiny bits of your life that I can affect, that I can change... they're never enough.

So many things come to mind. That without you wanting and trying to help things change, I can't force them to. Our distance is so great, yet I used to feel like I was right beside of you. Years pass, time and memories change and distort. And now it's as though truth isn't truth anymore; as if my reality has been tinged red with the tears that you cry, the blood that you bleed.

Why is it that the knife is more comfort than me? Why is it that I can't will things into how they should be? Why does it always come back down to how weak I am in comparison to what I need to be? Why can I tear my beating heart out and throw it on the floor and it matters not? Why do I feel even more useless than when I started?

I want to be so much more than I am. I want to be the cure and solve-all for you and what ails you. But I'm not and I can't be. What I want is lost in the abyss of what I cannot be, because I am not the people I need to be for it to happen. I'm not who you seek or who you really need, no matter how hard that is for me to accept. I'm in denial, even as I put these words down. Will I forever be?

... Will you forgive me?

Forgive me when I fail, because we both know I will. You're waiting on it to happen and I'm dreading the day I do. It's inevitable. Give it time. I'm not perfect... nowhere near. Imperfection breeds the failure that I will become. To an outsider, these words might seem trite or even petty and self-absorbed. But they're not. From the inside, it's just that I know I'm not enough. Do I sell myself short? Not today... maybe tomorrow. I will fail, because that's the end of it all, isn't it?

Maybe I shouldn't be asking if you'll forgive me when I do, because maybe the real question is - Will I forgive myself? I won't. I never do.

Try, try again. Try, try again. It doesn't work like that. There is no try. It's pass or fail. Fail just once and it's all over - you lying at the end of the path. An end I can't reverse. It's never about yes or no. It's about when. When will I lose you? When will it all end? When will my heart lay bleeding on the floor and you right along with it? When do we die? Tonight, tomorrow... or never?


	65. Taking it all away

More, more, more  
I only have so much to give  
Endless days, aired nights  
It's like I'm never enough  
~*~*~*~*~  
More, more, more  
Give, give, give  
Taking it all away  
~*~*~*~*~  
I only have so much to give  
And here you've taken it all away  
Am I ever enough?  
I'm never enough.  
~*~*~*~*~  
More, more, more  
Give, give, give  
Take, take, take  
~*~*~*~*~  
Facing the truth, finding it harsh reality  
I am never enough  
~*~*~*~*~  
There's only so much I have to give  
And you've taken it all away  
You've taken it all away  
~*~*~*~*~  
Taken it all away  
Taken it all away  
~*~*~*~*~  
Taken... it... all... away.  
*whispered* Is this the end?  
The end?  
The end?


	66. Break Free

The cold is creeping inside  
Taking hold and shaping something new  
Weeding away who I used to be  
Showing me a whole new part of life  
~~ Of reality ~~

 

It's like I'm finally breaking free  
Finding truth within the hard lies of the past

 

Maybe this is what it all should have been  
~~ Could have been ~~

 

Pulling deep inside, shifting into something new

 

Weeding away who I used to be  
Showing me a whole new part of life  
~~ Of reality ~~

 

Broken free, flying away  
Stark reality, wrapped in fine lies from another time  
... Another me

 

Question is...  
Will you believe this is really me?


	67. Wish for Tora & Alice Nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written on the back of the 1000th crane we folded for Tora during his back injury

Beautiful rain, pouring from the heavens  
A taste so sweet it's almost bitter  
Longing for a time of past  
Shadowed and shrouded in dust  
Pleasure taken, riding up from spiking pain  
Searing spines of eternal reminiscence  
Endless rain, pouring down on me  
The skies ache with my agony  
Sands of time sifting through my fingers  
Another time, another place, someone else

 

A thousand pieces of a wish, all placed as one  
Every crease another thought, another desperate plea  
Selfless and eternal, burning vibrant in every fiber  
Twenty-five-thousand actions, one wish eternal  
A wish, a plea, a desperate cry into the winds of life  
Take this pain away, show him the healing light  
No more agony, only sweet, sweet relief  
A wish meant for another, given freely... willingly  
From our hearts we wish it so:  
"We wish for Tora to get better  
and for alice nine. to continue as one  
for a long time to come."

 

From behind the clouds came the sun  
Shining brightly, brilliantly  
Showing the light of another day, a better time  
Never again shall the skies weep for this  
Beauty remaining in a single drop  
A simple memory of the past  
One-thousand... carry on.


	68. Walk

Blood drenched fingertips, trembling against my soul  
Sweet conception, an idea unyielding  
Modify phrase beneath my fingertips, coated in love  
Unmatched and unbridled, something more than nothing  
An ache as sweet as this, a sine unfettered, a breath released  
Innocence is sorrow within these walls, but knowledge turns you to a whore  
Am I justified in foundation or drawing in the lies?  
Rain pours steadily down, crimson death with the taste of pale yellow  
Can you hear my screams as I suffer your ignorance?  
Vile aroma, stench of love; bury me in your haste  
A place I cannot escape, another way to run  
One word, a million lies, cherish my sweet sin  
Drown your body in the ache of my soul, slicked with my ever-flowing life  
Take this torture within, make it your own  
From this sin, find your path; from my end, rise again.


	69. This is how it is

I've lost one thing and regained another  
The me to be lost in what I've become has come again  
But the me to face the world is gone  
Empty, Hollow... Alone  
It's spilling out again  
The truth comes in as the lies go out  
Maybe I've become what I despise the most  
Or maybe I'm just floating away, too absorbed in something else to notice  
I've lost the bars that hold it all inside  
The one I used to be, the one I was happy to be, lost and left behind  
Buried in the overflow of what I cannot stop  
What I tried so hard to lose, coming back out  
Again and again, resurrection of the worst kind  
An enemy I cannot take away, an end I cannot find  
Grasping at that which no longer exists, tasting a past so far away it's only a memory  
Forgive me... words I cannot bring to surface  
Blind eye to the reality being forced upon me  
Turn and walk away, pushing everything aside for another reason  
A decision made in haste, irreversible reversal  
In the end, this is what I'll always be  
Guided by the invisible string attached to an empty shell  
Longing for that which was tasted so briefly and completely  
An end within forever


	70. Bitter Agression

Is this my out? Is this how it all ends?  
Bitter lies, half-truths tossed around like a kid's ball  
A part I regret and a part I long for  
An ache I can't quite describe, and an empty loss  
Nothing but truth from my mouth  
Nothing but lies from yours  
Tainted aggression, things better left unsaid  
You don't believe me... we're falling apart  
Unzip me, skew the truth and make it your own  
You always do, you always will  
I sit in the corner, my eyes unseeing and my words meaningless  
Can you see me? Can you hear me?  
Maybe when I scream with the end, you'll understand  
When we both lay dying in the gutter... we'll find the truth  
... we'll find the end.


	71. Inner Truth

Is it okay that I see you as my God?  
Is it okay that when I need someone to hold, I instead listen to the way you scream, the way you hold everything so close to heart?  
Is it okay that you're the one I turn to? You, the one I truly don't know?  
Is it okay that, in a way, you mean the world to me?  
Maybe it is okay that you're the reason I didn't drive myself head-long into the nearest tree.  
And maybe it's okay that you are the one who can pull my tears out and release my innermost fears.  
And if all of that is okay, then maybe, just maybe, it's okay that I let myself keep you in this place so close to my inner truth.  
The only thing I have to wonder... is if you'd mind if you knew... if you knew just how much you meant to a complete and total stranger.


	72. Alone

I feel lost, empty, alone... more so than I have in years. Thoughts overwhelm me, tears pricking at the back of my eyes, pain in my head. I don't know why. I can't explain it. It has no reason. I just... am. Depressed, down, sad... I can't even pinpoint the emotion. I just feel lonely, I guess. I miss everyone. Even if just words on a screen, I miss them. Everyone's so busy with life while mine slips away in front of me, passing so slowly and yet so quickly at the same time. I feel... worthless. And it hurts. Am I not even worth being someone to speak to on the other end of screen? Or maybe that's all I am to everyone else. Words. An endless flow of meaningless words. Is that what I am to you? Maybe it is what I am. Nothing but words. A sentence made to be broken with the simple act of closing a window. A document you forgot to save. It sounds overly emotional and maybe I am right now. Some of you would label me as 'emo' and be done with it. But what would you actually miss if I left right now and never came back? The stories or me? I can guess the answer. Maybe that should hurt, too. But somehow, at least I know something would be missed. Then again, others would be grateful that what they regard as drivel would stop. I'm sure. But what no one guesses at is that it's all I have right now. I can give you my words and you give me just a few of your own in return, to let me know you gave a shit, if even only for a moment. And that makes it feel better, makes me a little less lonely, a little less helpless inside. I sit here crying... and over what? Words. More words. Always words. Words, words, words, WORDS. Or this time... a lack of words. Silent screens staring back at me. It happens every time I need someone the way you always need me and I'm here. No one is there when I need it the most. Instead, I sit here alone and agonize in this place I've fallen in to. Tonight, tears are my friends. At least if I cry, I know I'm still alive. Some bleed to know it, some scream to know it... I let the saline falling from my eyes remind me. I let THEM remind me... because on nights like tonight... THEY are all I have. It shows where I truly stand. And maybe that is the thing I should be more grateful for. Knowing and being shown that I am alone in my pain. Is this how HE feels at night? Is this why HE doesn't let anyone in from the outside? Maybe it's just why I don't let anyone in. Maybe I ask meaningless questions to try to let the pain out. But it's better than the alternative. Better than letting go and falling. But how long does one last when standing alone at the edge of that emotional cliff? How long before the wind pulls you over the edge? How long before even the words no longer matter, no longer help. How long before the tears dry and the point becomes pointless? How long before the sting of this pain becomes nothing? How long before I become nothing? Or perhaps... I already am.


	73. If I

If I ripped my hair out, would you notice?

If I carved the pain out from under my skin, would you see the reason?

If I showed you my soul, would you understand what I was showing you?

If I fell from the rooftops, would you blame me for freeing myself?

If I ripped off the mask, would you be able to tell?

If I ran out of reasons to exist, would you give me a new one?

If I told you my reasons, would you stay by my side or run away?

And more than all of that, if I told you I couldn't do this anymore, would you forgive me?


	74. Live

Flowing, smooth; a twisted scene  
Something unable to be grasped in hand  
Like liquid it flows through my fingertips  
Transcend into black ache, divine dance  
Unnecessary and incomplete, this fixation on life  
Living day by day, breath by breath  
To ache is to live and to find peace is to die  
And so, here I stand, hollow and alone  
The wound in my heart blossoming full with rage  
Sweet sorrow, letting me know I'm alive  
Kami-sama, this is what it means to be alive  
To have, to hold, to love, and to lose  
Complete me


	75. Deprave

There's a look that filters across your face... a light that fills your eyes... and I know it's something deeper than I could ever fathom. You catch me, trap me in that tangled web you weave... and I don't bother to open my mouth to scream. My arms spread wide and I fall. Behind me, you let the air filter through us, catching us and cradling us in death's arms. It's a crooked spot to be, a dangerous place to play. Something drips from the walls, faintly scented of lavender and the peculiar rot that only graveyard dust can own. Laughter filters through the walls, coming hard and harsh to our tentative ears. When we hear it, our eardrums burst, the blood seeping to the floor as it leaves our bodies. Morbid curiosity offers a taste... of reality, of fate. The light is blinding, framing us in hell. Trapped and decimated, decaying in our own filth. The end is met; found in a single glass vial, injected blue beneath the skin. Thin paper drawings, fluttering on the walls. Meaningless art left taped to the off-white. Cold steel in a bloodied hand, rain on the rose-patterned linoleum. Once there was a time, then it was gone, slipped through the fingers of a broken child, of a broken home. Arms spread wide to catch the very last meaning of life. An essence escaped and trashed... lost in the dumpster deep inside a black garbage bag. Retreating back, tired souls... the fade into black. A very last breath... and then silence.


	76. The Final

Hands, sliding down the white walls, streaks of rust-color left behind. Dust swirls and settles in an undisturbed corner of a room. Somewhere a child cries and a woman dies. The air is thick, matted in a distribution of weight, unbelievably cotton in consistency. Pins and needles, walking on eggshells. Acid rain pours from the sky, a gift in disguise. A plague burned away by the hands of a higher power. Clouds gather, repress and expand in a single breath. Lungs catch, hold, release and return. A lump in the throat, a bullet in the head. Discussion and digestion, a common decency fouled by knowledge of something bitter in nature. Limb from limb, bone crushed to bone. It's an end wrapped within a beginning. Today is the first day of everyone else's lives. Finality and a cure and a curse. Red hands taking, taking... always taking. Voices talking, talking... always talking. The screams of the dead, a silence I cannot bear. The clutch of something stagnant on a still beating heart, iron grasp upon lungs of ice. A gasping breath and then silence. The hand stops, a disaster waiting. This is... the final time.


	77. Vinushka

That knot inside me twirls its burning fingers, reaching and pulling at the burnt red that once used to be my flesh.

The feelings of repression, the guilt and the sin that fill me to the very brim. Spilling over, slipping from my fingertips as though it were my very own blood spilling to the ground beneath.

The air is stale, standing stagnant like water. Even the whistle through the air, the sound of my very own ending doesn't bring anything refreshing with it.

The crushing wave, heat that scorches, a precursor to something more. The first wave of the coming tsunami.

My lips part, asking for the truth, asking if it truly is a sin for me to live simply because I am evil. The answer, it comes, like the beat of a army drum. The wail of a newborn child splits the air.

My face, it turns toward the sky, a gesture of acceptance, my arms spreading wide. A prayer uttered and left incomplete.

Flash of white, deepest care fathomed in the last instant of life. Forgiveness wrapped in the harsh shell of something that was never mean to exist.

Vinuhska


	78. A lesson to rise

Cradle me in the darkness. Pulse through searing light. Entering the madness of a red-painted room and exit through the husk of a newborn life. The stillness of the shallow pulls at the margins of every line. Pulsing, fading, an exit to a dead end. Consumption of something and everything in the satin-stitched eyeballs of the old-school savior. The world falling to shambles, useless broken glass at the feet of millions of upper-class whores. Owning isn't everything. A lesson screamed from the rafters of decaying minds. The heartbeat of a single entity, encased and trapped beneath the viewing glass. Careless, thoughtless, dragged through the dirt. An ending so fit. Standing behind the petticoat of a societal mother, figurative and literal. Bile from the throat of a dusted off old bum. The street corners call and the fading light from the sky leaves behind the only truth. Ebony coils to pull us asunder. Nothing but a memory, floating on air, the balloon from the lost cord of a child. One last note, echoing.... echoing... fading... and gone.


	79. Truth buried in lies

why is it that the rain keeps falling on my head?  
The sweet song of relief slicing through my veins  
My blood dancing upon the floor;  
The sound is similar to that I've heard before...  
A simple, single satisfaction...  
A never ending rhyme of death and of decay.  
There's a bug in my head,  
Something I can't let go of,  
A piece of myself hidden away and broken from the rest.  
Pieces of lies from another time come flooding back  
It's like a dial tone to my ears, the soft hum of the past  
Why is it that my memory is so different from the truth?  
Is this how I hid? Beneath the blanket of my discontent?  
A truth hidden under the lies  
Lift the blankets and reveal the truth  
A cotton snake waiting to strike  
why is it that the rain keeps falling on my head?


	80. November Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Used this photo as a prompt: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldem6fbX3A1qaodr1o1_500.jpg  
> and the song November Rain by Guns N' Roses

The road was slick that night, the rain beating down almost mercilessly and that last cusp of sunlight reflecting dangerously off the pavement in a way that was almost blinding. I know the cause... I've known the cause since I received that phone call three months ago. But knowing doesn't help me let go... it doesn't help me accept.

I never wanted to get that call and I keep thinking to myself... if I hadn't answered the phone, maybe it would have changed the news. Maybe you'd still be here to hold me on the cold November nights. It's but a fragile wish and I know it will never come to pass. But it doesn't change that I still wish it every night that it rains.

I try to wish you back. I beg the gods that took you to return you to my arms. And sometimes when I'm standing outside in the rain, I beg of them to take me to you if they cannot give you back to me. I'd give it all just to see your face again, to feel that tender touch upon my cheek, the warmth of your lips over mine.

But when it's all said and done and I'm standing alone in the drifts of the snow in late December... I know that you'd want it more like this. You loved the snow and you loved me. And with that tender heart, you'd tell me that it was time to let you go. Though you never really understood... there are people we just can't live without. And you were mine.


	81. The Savior in Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some thoughts on how music could save. Not really poetry, but something that needed out nonetheless.

The silence eats me, robs me of breath and depth. Without music, I am chaos; my thoughts a whirlwind, flitting to and fro. And with the barest hint of music, I am calmness. My thoughts become uniform, coherent... my breath comes in steady and my heartbeat slows to what passes as normal in this world of mine. Without music comes self-hatred, depression, anguish, and panic. With it comes peace, hope, realization that the world around me isn’t nearly as bad as I was allowing it to be.

There are those who say music is nothing. Entertainers are nothing. It’s the most untruthful statement I’ve ever heard. And maybe it’ll sound cliché, but when people say that music saved them... maybe the disbeliever should take a step back and consider that they don’t necessarily mean only from suicide. It saved them from their mind, their emotions... gave them inspiration or the ability to concentrate. There’s a million ways to ‘save’ someone. It’s an outlet. And I, for one, am grateful that people exist in this world talented enough to make me feel the way I do... to help me in the ways that they have.


	82. Of Faith and Rain

Rain on slick glass. The insistence of a piano accompanied by the tremor of a voice, steeped in pain. Thunder rolls in the distance, the strum of a bass guitar picks up where it left off. A beat that plucks at the heart and thrums through the body; energy vibrates the air. Icy cold water, pouring from the gaps in the ceiling. A temple and a penance, taken up by those who are found deserving. Spread arms and the whisper of a prayer, a desperate hope and a clinging desire. To what God they breathe, it doesn't matter; only that they do it, only that it rolls from their tongue. Heads thrown back in ecstasy, blood soaked carpet and the stench of death takes its toll. The piano bays and the voice dies out. Water dripping from the eves. Drip, drip, drip to the puddles on the concrete just outside. Lord, Lord, Lord, help us to sustain. A drifting thought and a candid existence. Is this their heart or another's? Come what may, the vibrance of another day. Spread arms and they're on their knees, the temple burning around them. Closing eyes and repeated acceptance. Their penance, they take, consumed and absorbed. Ashes to ashes, a heart gone up in flame. One last breath and a dying name.


	83. Ghost Behind Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I have to write things out as a 'whatever flows' sort of thing in order to get started on the actual thing I want to work on. Today this came to pass. Surreal in a way.

The world is spinning and there's a blinding fog surrounding me. My head feels like cotton and my eyes feel like sandpaper. The taste on my tongue is alcoholic, but not. Sensory deprivation, improvisation. My fingers move over the keys of life in unexpected fashions. The twitch of my movements is different...a twitch... broken from my usual flow. 

There's a scent on the air, uncanny and reminiscent. My hands are hot, my world livid and vivid and bright. I cannot think, cannot concentrate only on this singular item of pain in my head. A pinprick essence, a novel experience, the searing pain of scalpel to heart, of needle to eye. 

What is this world in the mind's eye? A division, so singular in essence, so misshapen and awkward. What is this life? This place... it reeks of ammonia and the last breath of lily of the valley. It rumbles in my heart, a sad and tired song, winding down into abysmal essence of something that once was. 

Head like a hole, void and unpredictable. Wandering the night's clouded streets, the fog of another summer following me down the alleyway, reading to cleave, ready to steal the only piece left. Is this addiction? Is this sin? Perhaps this is another functionality, another world, deep and proverbial, steeped in essence of vinegar and wine. 

My pale finger traces the water's track down the wall, the cool press of stone on cheek and a ghost of no one behind me. Alone... devoid... the answer but a fragile touch away from me. I reach, ever resounding into the world, grasping for that which I cannot pinpoint. Aching, reaching... eternal resolution to a fate worse than death. And yet, I want it, I hope it, I beg and ask for it in the pouring rain of my fragile heart. 

_I scream, but no one can hear me. I laugh ,but no one cares._ There's this darkness in side of me, rumbling and breathing, surging toward life and I can no longer hold it back down. 

Another day, another night, there's blood on my hands. Tonight there's a widow in her delicate costume, holding out a withered hand to me as I stand over her broken corpse. Another ghost, another shadow, another figment of my imagination. 

Twisted black, twisted metal and a grating sound that I discover is my laugh as it rasps free of a pressurized chest. Blood spilling over my lips, dripping from my chin. This is the darkness inside of me, coming to pass. I bend and choke, my cheek against the very same wall, my hands grasping at the darkness, at the air... and I ask myself: am I really too fragile to touch or is it that everyone else saw the monster before I became it? 

Pressure behind me, no ghost in this point... and the rumble of another swelling bass, come to tame the frenzy in my head. Winding it down... winding it down... and release.


	84. Fear

The times we reach out the least are the times we need it the most.   
I feel alone and abandoned while knowing I'm not.  
I feel hopeless when I know the road ahead is dotted in hope.   
I feel agony when I know it is but a blip in the bitterness of history. 

But to whom else does our pain matter than if not to ourselves? 

Why is it that the comparison is the norm and the salvation of self is always second to last? 

I want to cry and scream and break down and curl up in a corner and feel sorry for myself...   
And yet I cannot tell you - because I cannot define - the why of it all. 

Fear is such a powerful driving force.   
It has turned sane men mad...  
...And good men evil.   
It has brought us war...  
...And destruction. 

But it has also brought us fields of crops,  
medicine to prolong our lives.  
help to the sick and dying.  
It has written the greatest words upon paper...   
And the worst upon our souls. 

It is as much great as it is horrible.   
But we let it define us far too long.   
And far too often... It controls us. 

Today... It controls me.   
Tomorrow, I will try once again to control it.


	85. ARCHEing toward the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After watching DVD 1 of ARCHE Nippon Budokan

I feel the existence in my soul  
Like a peaceful ascension after too long below  
Peel away, toward lament  
Ease the tender ache and spike the painful break  
May the gods find me another place  
So deep within my writing heart  
Another place, unleashed from this disease  
Placed among the stars  
Having... holding... capture to my heart  
To break... to break... never shall we part


	86. Chapter 86

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song[s]: "Sledgehammer" by Rihanna  
> Drug use, prostitution, angst, self-harm, suicide attempts

His back is against the wall and the street is damp beneath his feet. There's the sound of running, the catch of breath that means _something_ , and his mind can't quite parse it. 

There's the roll of his stomach as the scent of garbage - of _death_ \- flares up around him. The mist comes down from the sky once again, floating... burdening, and there's nothing else. 

The sensation of pins and needles, the sting of lungs too lost from oxygen to survive much longer. He's on his knees and there's _force_ behind the actions; his own force, but a force nonetheless. 

His psyche is breaking and there's nothing left to do except... _except_. 

Whiteness - a blinding light in the darkness of his life. It's a new low with a high to reach out for. Acrid smoke, a gentle rip in the fabric of space, and he's _gripping_... _reaching_.

There's no more strength, no more repose, and it's like a feather-light and delicate ending. It's a message from his soul, a scream from his terrible heart, as he spills over the edge of the world and _falls_.

It's nothing... nothing more than the delicate touch of hand upon _skin_. It's a channel of work he'd never considered, a place in life and _time_ he never thought he'd find himself _whole_ within. 

It feels like his scars beneath his fingertips, feels like the searing heat of the stove top when he was sixteen and _falling_. There's a needle prick and a sensation of _relief_.

The world, it falls away, bidden... unbidden; like a presence without. He rides it as if it were the waves, as if there's an ocean beneath his feet and he can _walk_ on water. 

The lowest of the low comes back, dropping, _falling_ , his blood upon the floor, and he cannot _breathe_. There's nothing left to find; nothing left to _fight_ for.

It's indecision. It's misdirection. And there's certainty between the bruises on his jaw, between the fingerprints burned into his flesh. 

It's permanent. It's certainty and it's like ashes at his feet with the single flick of the lighter. It's one day to the next and it's _agony_.

Fleeting... desperate sounds in the darkness. Another touch, another meaningless word buried in the depths of the night... 

He steps and he _falls_ and this time... _it's nothing_.


End file.
